Episode 91
The Adulting Lie: I’m Not Behind — The System Wasn’t Built for Me
Hey Pathfinders — in this episode, I’m talking about what it really means to feel “behind” in adulthood. Spoiler: you’re not behind — you’re just navigating a system that wasn’t built with you in mind.
I’ll walk you through how I started unlearning the rules I was raised with — the pressure to hit every milestone to look successful on the outside, to “perform adulthood” — and how I started reclaiming joy, softness, and authenticity instead.
This one’s for anyone who’s ever felt like they’re doing it all wrong… when maybe the real problem is the script we were given.
✨ You’ll hear about:
- Letting go of timelines that don’t fit your life
- The pressure of advice that doesn’t match your reality
- Building adulting rhythms based on energy, not appearances
- The freedom that comes from doing it your way
⏱️ Episode Timestamps:
- 00:00 – The Myth of Adulting
- 01:28 – Challenging Traditional Timelines
- 02:56 – Finding My Own Path
- 04:48 – Reframing Success and Happiness
- 05:53 – Navigating Advice and Expectations
- 09:04 – Embracing Authenticity
- 12:49 – Living Life on My Terms
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Transcript
Hey, I'm Taylor Danielle, and welcome back to Healing in Hindsight.
Speaker A:Can we please stop pretending that turning 30 or anything in your 30s means you suddenly have your together?
Speaker A:Because I'm over here decorating my office in this I feel dope, steampunk Victorian fantasy vibes with a splash of jungle and wondering why I spent so many years afraid to express what I actually like because it wasn't work appropriate.
Speaker A:Well, today we're deconstructing the adulting myth and figuring out what grown up actually means when the rule book doesn't exist anymore.
Speaker A:Because here's what I've learned.
Speaker A:Your age doesn't dictate who you are, and you shouldn't feel ashamed for doing things that make you happy, whether that's dressing a certain way, still playing video games, or living out the childhood interest you never got to fully explore.
Speaker A:Now, let me be clear.
Speaker A:These are all things that shouldn't hurt or cause any harm to one person or group of people.
Speaker A:Just want to make that very clear.
Speaker A:But if you've ever felt like you're failing at a game no one taught you how to play, or if you're tired of people asking when are you going to settle down and follow the script, this one's for you.
Speaker B:You're listening to Healing in Hindsight, your no BS guide to unadulterated wellness.
Speaker B:It feels like we're all struggling to balance wellness, identity and purpose without losing ourselves, doesn't it?
Speaker B:It's okay.
Speaker A:You're not alone.
Speaker B:I'm Taylor Danielle, and as someone who manages multiple disabilities, is trying to leave the corporate grind and striving to create a life on my terms.
Speaker B:I'm just here to help you embrace your path and redefine success in a way that works for you.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker B:If that sounds like your vibe, join me for conversations and insights to remind.
Speaker A:You your journey is yours.
Speaker B:Exactly as it should be.
Speaker A:Let me paint you the picture of what I thought my life was supposed to look like.
Speaker A:The formula I was given was simple.
Speaker A:Go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, work hard your whole life, and then finally maybe you can retire and enjoy life at the end.
Speaker A:That doesn't really sound very fun to me.
Speaker A:When I was little, I thought I'd be married with kids by 24.
Speaker A:24 felt so adult, so established.
Speaker A:And I'm very glad that is not the case, because I realized there was two just so much I didn't know.
Speaker A:I was still learning how to sustain myself, let alone be responsible for other people.
Speaker A:But here's what nobody tells you about those arbitrary deadlines when you pass them without hitting those milestones, the shame hits hard.
Speaker A:I felt behind.
Speaker A:It always seemed like everyone else was doing things ahead of me, hitting marks I hadn't even gotten close to.
Speaker A:The pressure was real.
Speaker A:From family, from society, from those social media posts that make everyone else's life look like a perfectly executed instruction manual.
Speaker A:And that pressure made me want to avoid those traditional milestones entirely.
Speaker A:Because the more people told me I had to do things or guilt tripped me about my timeline, the more I resisted.
Speaker A:Here's the thing that honestly changed everything.
Speaker A:I looked around at the people actually living that traditional timeline, and hardly anybody looked happy.
Speaker A:The people who got married young, had kids early, followed the prescribed path.
Speaker A:They looked exhausted, trapped, and like they were going through the motions of a life someone else designed for them.
Speaker A:And that's when I started thinking there had to be another way.
Speaker A:I'd seen so many people doing it differently.
Speaker A:Maybe they were the underdogs, but I started resonating with that approach more.
Speaker A:Because if I have this one life to live, why would I spend it doing what everyone else is doing?
Speaker A:Why can't I just do things that feel right to me?
Speaker A:So what did figuring out my own path actually look like?
Speaker A:I'd say first, I had to unlearn a lot of advice, especially the messaging around what it means to be a woman and an adult.
Speaker A:The expectation that being a parent is everything.
Speaker A:That as a woman, you're supposed to get married, have kids, and become a caretaker of the home.
Speaker A:I was just never drawn to that.
Speaker A:This idea that you're supposed to take care of everybody but yourself, that you're no longer an individual, but you're simply a wife and a mom.
Speaker A:That just felt like identity erasure and not fulfillment.
Speaker A:Even when I got engaged, everybody immediately asked, when are we having kids?
Speaker A:As if my engagement was just a checkpoint on the way to the real milestone of motherhood.
Speaker A:But I realized that following those societal timelines could have put me in positions I never actually wanted to be in.
Speaker A:And adding a young life to that would have complicated everything.
Speaker A:I started having these moments where time was just going by, and I realized it was more important to be authentic than to meet someone else's expectations.
Speaker A:I only have one life that we know of, and I don't want to regret doing something I know someone else wanted instead of trying something for myself.
Speaker A:The worst that can happen is it doesn't work out.
Speaker A:But at least I know it didn't work out because I attempted it.
Speaker A:Learning to stand up for Myself and push back against these expectations kind of just happened naturally.
Speaker A:When people criticize my choices, I started recognizing it as motivation because it's really them being upset that they're not doing it themselves.
Speaker A:Later on, those same people would say, oh, it's really cool that you're doing that.
Speaker A:The criticism was a projection of their own regrets or desires.
Speaker A:Now, when I navigate those conversations, I'm willing to encourage people who are genuinely ready to receive it.
Speaker A:But when it's obvious someone's not really there yet, I keep it to myself.
Speaker A:I'm really not trying to come across preachy.
Speaker A:If somebody doesn't want to take that leap, it's not my job to push them.
Speaker A:They have to come to that decision themselves.
Speaker A:Now, let me be clear that it's not to say that some of the life advice that I've received is wrong or bad.
Speaker A:It's more so that some of it came from places of ignorance.
Speaker A:The situations and circumstances weren't the same.
Speaker A:They're just passing along the same advice that they had received.
Speaker A:And that's a lot of what our generations are about, is learning to understand what our previous generation did that worked well and what doesn't necessarily work for us now.
Speaker A:And I really see that play out in my relationship with my parents, with, like, my aunts and uncles and other family members, with family friends who I've grown up around.
Speaker A:And honestly, being in the workforce and meeting and working with people of various ages and stages.
Speaker A:And that is, hey, you can either take this and use it or you can put it up on the shelf.
Speaker A:Because sometimes we do need a moment to figure it out for ourselves.
Speaker A:Or, you know, as a lot of famous phrases, fuck around and find out, sometimes this is literally what we have to do.
Speaker A:And there have been many times where I have sat with both of my parents and I'm like, you right?
Speaker A:I'm wrong.
Speaker A:But I had to go through it myself because some life advice makes absolute sense for the circumstance that you might be in.
Speaker A:But if those circumstances are different for someone else, it might not be as applicable.
Speaker A:Doesn't make it wrong, per se.
Speaker A:It just might not be the best fit for you.
Speaker A:So that is something that I take into consideration when.
Speaker A:When someone tells me something, I think I'm more reactive and I'm getting better at it, I feel.
Speaker A:But I'm more reactive to unsolicited advice when it's clear someone doesn't fully understand the circumstances, or when someone imposes their opinion about how I should do something and they're not really respecting My saying it or they're not really reading the room of, like, this is probably not the best time, or simply asking, hey, I have some thoughts around this.
Speaker A:Are you open to hearing it?
Speaker A:And I feel that that is extremely important to do that because if you word vomit on somebody about their, or, excuse me, about your personal ideals and what you feel they should do in that moment, you're not really giving that person the opportunity to decide for themselves on if they want that help or that perspective right then and there.
Speaker A:Sometimes people need time, and I'm doing better about not being so defensive when that happens.
Speaker A:I'm a lot more calm and I'm like, hey, I appreciate that.
Speaker A:I think for right now I just want to do this, but, you know, I'll.
Speaker A:I'll keep that in the back of my mind.
Speaker A:But if I can, I do my best to, you know, kind of set the rule up front of, hey, if you have something that you want to share with me, or if you have a thought about this, give me a heads up.
Speaker A:That way, I've provided the invitation and they understand that it's okay and I can prepare myself.
Speaker A:Essentially, here's my current approach to adulting decisions.
Speaker A:I ask myself what feels right for me, not what looks right to others.
Speaker A:I've gotten better at filtering out that external pressure, though.
Speaker A:Everything is a level up and there will always be challenges in that same arena at times.
Speaker A:But overall, I feel like I'm doing the best that I can.
Speaker A:And when I look back, I'm grateful I didn't rush things.
Speaker A:And here's something crucial that I want every millennial to hear, and Gen Z too, and Gen X2.
Speaker A:Let's just say everybody your age doesn't dictate who you.
Speaker A:You shouldn't feel ashamed for doing things that make you happy, whether that's dressing a certain way or playing video games.
Speaker A:Pretty sure I said this earlier, but anything that brings you joy, that's not bothering anybody, you shouldn't feel ashamed to do that.
Speaker A:In fact, I look at people who are really just living life to the beat of their own drum, especially when they're very eclectic and unique.
Speaker A: like, hey, I love dressing in: Speaker A:Like, I love that.
Speaker A:I want that because again, we only have this one life and it doesn't make sense to say, hey, I'm too old for that again, as long as it's appropriate.
Speaker A:But I do feel like if I want to, you know, turn My house or, you know, parts of it that my husband will allow me into a, you know, fantasy Victorian style.
Speaker A:If I want to change my living room to look like a tavern that you would see in a Dungeons and Dragons game, If I want to dress like I'm in a steampunk action movie, I can and should do that if that's what makes me happy.
Speaker A:As a millennial, I'm getting to live out some of the things I wish I could have done in my childhood, but as an adult, and honestly, it's way more fun as an adult, and I'm not gonna feel shame.
Speaker A:For me, that looks like laying into the style that I've always loved and I always struggled with.
Speaker A:Like, what's my personal style?
Speaker A:Because I always felt like every time I tried something out, and I am really not trying to have a big head about this, I say this with as much humility as possible.
Speaker A:It looks good on me, but it just didn't fit.
Speaker A:And so the steampunk Victorian fantasy vibe is something that I've always enjoyed.
Speaker A:I've changed my office to fit that aesthetic.
Speaker A:My wardrobe, I'm slowly transitioning to reflect it.
Speaker A:I want to feel like an empress or a queen, the matriarch in her castle, going around and doing things that she wants to for her kingdom.
Speaker A:I look fly as hell.
Speaker A:At the same time.
Speaker A:Before, I was afraid to express that part of myself because it's not work appropriate, or people might think it looks funny.
Speaker A:Like I'm getting ready for a theater show, which sells because I'm choosing to ignore those voices and do it because that's what I like.
Speaker A:The difference between being responsible and being performatively adult is huge building systems that work for your brain, not Pinterest versions of organization.
Speaker A:Even though I do love some Pinterest organization.
Speaker A:Okay, like, I can't say that I haven't taken a photo or two and tried to remake that.
Speaker A:But Pinterest aside, making decisions when there's no right answer based on what feels authentic to you, not what looks good to others.
Speaker A:Sometimes the most mature thing you can do is admit you're still learning, figuring it out as you go, it's actually a valid life strategy, Not a sign that you're behind or failing.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's my take on the adulting lie.
Speaker A:The traditional timeline of college, job, house, marriage, kids, and work until you're old enough to finally enjoy life is not the only path path.
Speaker A:And for many of us, it's not even a good path.
Speaker A:Creating your own adulting metrics means identifying which shoulds are actually serving you versus which ones are just societal programming that doesn't fit your life.
Speaker A:It means recognizing that there's no instruction manual for this, and that's okay.
Speaker A:If you're feeling like you're failing at adulting, I want you to consider this.
Speaker A:Maybe you're not failing.
Speaker A:Maybe the game itself is rigged and the most revolutionary thing you can do Stop playing by the rules that were designed for different world fighting really hard not to sing the theme song.
Speaker A:Your version of a successful adult life doesn't have to look like anyone else's vision.
Speaker A:Your timeline doesn't have to match what worked for your parents or what looks good on social media.
Speaker A:Here's what I want from you.
Speaker A:Share your unconventional adulting wins with me on Instagram at Healing In Hindsight.
Speaker A:I want to hear about the adulting rules you broke but actually improved your life.
Speaker A:The ways you're choosing authenticity over approval, the childhood interests you're finally embracing as an adult.
Speaker A:And if this resonated with you, please leave a review.
Speaker A:Help other people who are tired of pretending they have it all figured out.
Speaker A:Find conversations like this until next time.
Speaker A:Remember, you're figuring it out and that's enough.
Speaker A:The most mature thing you can do is live a life that's actually yours.
Speaker A:Keep growing, but make it authentic.
